Friday, November 2, 2012

Shit I Actually Thought While Pregnant

I didn't come to this kid thing totally clueless. I babysat like crazy as a teenager and helped my sister throughout the years with her five babies, so I came to parenthoood fairly comfortable with baby stuff but still had some notions about what our life would be like that are amusing to me now.

"My kid will totally sleep though the night by 6 weeks." 

Thank goodness I never said this one out loud. Seriously, where did this idea even come from? I can't suss out its origins but I really, really thought that if I did everything "right" (what does that even mean?) she'd be sleeping from 7 p.m. to 7 a.m. I'm too tired to even laugh.

Fun fact: I haven't slept through the night since June 24th. And you know what? It really is okay. This doesn't last forever and I generally don't have to be up early for work. I don't even feel that bad during the day. I am totally destroyed by 9:30 at night and often the baby has yet to pass out for the night by then. I know one magical night, I will wake up and realize tonight's the night, she's gonna sleep through the night. She might be in third grade by then. That's a-okay. There are worse things.

"I don't need a monitor! I'll just hear the baby crying and get her." 

You know what game isn't fun? The Is My Baby Breathing? game! We ordered a monitor in about two days after we came from the hospital.

"Dieting while breastfeeding will be so easy. The weight is just going to fly off."

Oh my lord. I can tell easily when Georgia is having a growth spurt because I become like Chris Farley's GAP Girl.

I remember being hungry when I was pregnant and it was uncomfortable because I'd get light headed and feel a little pukey and I do remember crying once because I poured a bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats but we were out of milk. But nursing hungry is a totally different beast. Instead of feeling weak and emotional, I feel like I've been out chopping firewood and I just need calories and lots of them. I will say this has evened out a bit since my supply stabilized at about three months, but even now the idea of just piece of toast for breakfast seems laughable.

The thing is, I'm only a few pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight (though that was not a number to really brag about) so I feel pretty good about where I am. When I have gotten hard on myself to slim down and I've counted calories, you know what happened? I've gained weight. My body knows that now isn't the time to diet, simple as that.

"Our house is going to be an epic mess."

I've never been known for my housekeeping, so I was pretty sure bringing a baby into the house meant we'd be on Hoarders before Georgia entered preschool. But something weird has happened.

It didn't take long for both of us to start picking up a little better after ourselves and each other. Our tolerance for crap has gone way down and recently we did a purge so major, it required a yard sale. Bags of frozen milk need to be thawed and baby bottles and such need to be sterilized, so a clean kitchen is now a need, not a want. Baby clothing is constantly being washed, which keeps the laundry room humming. Our bedroom is the only kid-stuff-free zone and suddenly that's really important to us, so we're keeping it clean. I know that Georgia will be her own mess-making whirling dervish in time, but for now, our home is surprisingly tidy.

"I am not listening to kid's music. She'll like our music just fine."

When Georgia was about 4 weeks old, we were driving to Patrick's parents when she started making a doleful wail in the backseat. Patrick wanted to pull over but I had another solution. "I don't think you'll like it." I warned. He replied, "If it works, I don't care." (Wise man!) I turned on a Lady Gaga CD I'd played entirely too much while I was pregnant and she was calm in seconds.

The thing is, I forgot about all the great kids music I used to listen to. One morning, I ran into some Muppet music on Spotify and Georgia started giggling at "Mah Na Mah Na". There's no motivator as great as a baby's laugh. As I looked for more music, I started remembering all the records (yes, records) I would listen to for hours:

It's a nostalgic binge around here these days and I'm becoming more aware of other good stuff that's come out since I was a kid (The score of WALL-E mellows both of us out.) But I'll be damned if I'm letting those Doodlebop assholes into my house.


  1. I love this post so much.

    Have you heard the soundtrack to the new Muppets album? It is soooo good for baby and for mom. Also, musicals are a big hit around here. O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoma!!

  2. I love the new Muppet's album and the They Might Be Giants kids albums too. The Bambi soundtrack is gorgeous and Peter and the Wolf gets her legs kicking and eyes wide.

  3. I'm sure I influenced some of those misconceptions (like the baby monitor thing), but not because I was wrong (they were true for us), but because they just didn't fit for you three (and, almost 14 years later).

    BTW, you house was awesome at Thanksgiving. I can tell that you have turned a corner there. That must feel really good.